Celebrating Radical Love, Jan 31
Dear Diary,
Tomorrow, February first, marks a year since I started hormone replacement therapy beginning the medical side of my gender affirmation treatment.
And it's been a busy year! So much has happened.
I have accomplished much, experienced a lot of pain, and also some growth. I have done things I never thought possible.
There are a lot of days when I feel alone. Yesterday, I felt empty (Link).
There have been days where doubt and confusion overwhelm and take the wheel.
I am still figuring out life. But we all are. And my curiosity and openness will lead me to understand how I fit into space, initiate relationships, and flutter into intimacy.
Transition is about letting go. Transition is Trust, Listening, and Living.
Life is chaos and motion. There are a million and one outcomes for how the next year goes.
Before the next year begins to unroll, I want to find a moment of pause.
To honor this strange, delightful anniversary, I want to breathe and take account. Maybe you take a breath with me? I'll be setting an intention. I invite you to make an intention with me if that sounds appealing.
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I want to acknowledge my strength and my courage. I want to recognize the joy and love that has always been inside but buried deep down.
It took a really special someone who entered my life totally randomly to help unbury what I had hidden.
They saw me. They made me feel visible. They made me feel real.
Their presence validated my life. Others had tried but failed miserably. My emotional defenses and protections are strong AF.
I have successfully pushed a lot of people away.
This person consensually broke through my elaborate barriers almost immediately. And I tried pushing them away, but those attempts were more pointless than Sisyphus pushing that dang rock up the hill.
So now I am stuck here, whatever that means. I don't know where here is, and stuckness is, well, sticky. While I am unsure about any of it, being stuck feels right. My worst fear once upon a time centered on being stuck; now, it is my greatest joy. It is nothing I ever imagined. Some days are not easy, but it's always fun.
There is always breath. And speaking of…
Mind if we take another?
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I want to send out a message of love and care. For those who feel unloved, uncared for, and unseen, please do not doubt yourselves.
Once you believe in yourself, you are powerful beyond measure.
Recovery is possible.
Healing is possible.
Transition is possible.
Love is possible. And love is necessary. But it's so scary. And love means so many things.
Love is so fluid.
Love starts in you, even if it feels wrong or fake.
I found love super hard to accept or receive from anyone on the outside until I found love in myself. And that took a hot minute. Like thirty-five years!
There is no pressure, though. You don't have to find love today. There is no forcing it. Love comes organically in the moments where you least expect it.
So until that moment, remember you are loved. Wrap yourself up as tight as can be. If it feels hollow, hug yourself even tighter.
You are totally loved.
You matter.
You deserve love.
Love hurts, but hug yourself as your heart sears, and your tummy churns.
You are loved.
Life is twisty.
Life is simple.
Life is so hard.
Life is love.
More to come, promise
