Dear Diary, Entry One

Not sure how to start a diary.

Do I just begin spilling all my messy baggage and airing dirty laundry? Coming out as Aspen to transition from male to female was prolly the biggest secret I had locked away in the vault. Alcohol abuse is totally the second and is related to the gender/identity issues. And, I’m not sure if the latter was much of a secret.

Either way, kicking off with that stuff is too heavy a load. So instead, I will start with a quick introduction, then dive into a reflection on writing.

But first, a breath seems appropriate…

Hi Diary, I hope that is your name. If not, I apologize.

Names are weird right?

Mine is Aspen, didn’t use to be but it is now. I am 34, I think. Yep, 34 years old. More like 34 and a half now, I guess. Wow, how time flies. At least for us humans, not sure how diaries experience time. One entry after another?

So, yeah, anyway, I am currently working towards a master’s degree in history. I finished my course work, and now I am working on preparing my thesis with plans to defend sometime in the early fall. I was supposed to graduate in May, but it became apparent that I would need more time than most of my colleagues who graduated on time.

I want to acknowledge that I am situated in a position of privilege to feel materially comfortable enough to take the extra time. That said, it was not a fun choice. I am super proud that I had the confidence to provide myself more space and time to not rush the process. Still, I had to cope with elements of shame that came from not graduating. The omission that I needed more time created an embarrassing feeling of failure.

The shame produced from not getting done “on time” is a heavy burden. I’ve felt that weight in the past, and I feel it creeping in now. But I remind myself that I am done with the world of expectations, timetables, and deadlines.

I am over the pressure to finish on time so I can move on to the next thing. The future-oriented pace really undermines the beautiful gift of presence. My current focus is on finding flow and being in the moment. I will be the first to admit, finding presence is a challenge on a good day. After all, being a recovering addict with identity issues means reality can spiral quickly when I lose my footing a little.

And when it comes to the thesis, no matter how chill I try to act, I cannot avoid the stress and crushing anxiety it produces. While I am trying to navigate concepts like timelines with grace by being as gentle as possible, there is real pressure to get the dang thing wrapped up.

And I am spinning my wheels.

Before I left for London on a research trip, I turned in a draft to my thesis advisor. I legit felt sick about it. It was a disjointed, incomplete hot-flipping-mess. After giving myself some time to get away, I hoped to come back and hit the ground running.

Today, I found myself back in my office staring at a blank sheet. I got a few good hooks started by the end of the day, so it is not all lost. But then, I started panicking with thoughts like: “this is never going to be done,” and “I am out of my depth,” and “I have no idea what I am doing.”

These thoughts might be partially valid, maybe not. That is not the concern. The main thing I need to do now is to sit with my anxiety and fear while searching to find calm as I listen.

It is all about breath, trust in myself, and believing I will find that lovely flow. Everything I need is inside my noggin, and I will catch that sweet narrative swerve when the time comes.

And, I gotta say, this reflection in the Grove’s shade has been super cathartic and grounding. Thank you for listening. I hope you enjoyed the first entry.

Now how do you end a diary entry?

More to come if the stars are aligned.