Blurring Lines, Feb. 7

Dear Diary,

Thank you for being here to check in with me on the daily.

For so much of my life, I did not have a lot of people around. And I felt so uncomfortable in my own body that I mostly felt alone. It was one of those things where the more people in a place, the more I felt alone, alienated, and isolated.

So I spent a lot of time hiding. I felt a lot of hate and frustration in the misery. A good friend told me I was not unpleasant to be around, just reserved, sometimes sad, removed, and distant.

I dreamed while others lived.

Now I am struggling with being alone when I am away from others. It is startling. I used to count on being hidden away, lost in a crowd, shaded in the shadow. But I no longer feel solace in the solitude.

I know now I never felt comfortable hiding away. But I had some kind of control.

But now I have experienced the floaty, floofy, numbing sting of comfort; my whole world is upside down.

Sending a thank you to someone out there for providing a place to find such safety; you know who you are.

You saved me.

It is strange.

And it all comes back to trust and listening so I can let go.

And I have begun to let go.

I've let go of expectations.

I've let go of one kind of pain for other pains.

I've let go of fearing those pains because sorrow can bring beauty as much as sparkles and unicorn kisses.

I've let go of control.

It is not that I don't care. I've let go of dreams.

Rather than dreaming about what caring would be like or having nightmares questioning whether I can even bring joy, love, and healing to the world, I am focusing on the things right in front of my face.

I am still anxious.

I am more confused.

I am infinitely more flighty.

But I can do hard things and not just dream about doing hard things.

It is liberating to let go of dreams. This unburdening relieves all the pressure that dreaming projects onto the external world.

It is super trippy.

But now I am excited to get out of bed to live the dream rather than imagining what the dream could be like.

Life is a trip.

Life is twisty.

Life is awake.

Life is confusing.

Life is pretty cool.

More to come, promise