Dear Diary, 11, And the Crash

Dear Diary,

I crashed in a major way yesterday. Not literally, but metaphorically. And, just to be clearly, while it feels like a a big blow, it is a pretty small deal. I’ll be okay. but in the moment, tears were shed. I am left endlessly in a neutral-type awe by the array and depth traumatic impact has to layers of the internal and to the external. With a good crash, we never quite see the entirety of it, but we can’t seem to turn away from it entirety.

My crash was one of those crashes where a rock is involved. You know, the wheel hits the rock, the wheels lock up. The wheels locking makes the board stops, yet the body continues to moves without the board. This is until the forward force gives way to the downward one. The story always ends with body meeting different rock. Victory, Rock.

I’m not going to get into what happened, that really isn’t important.

I spent the afternoon trying to find a solution, rectify the issue. But like a crash, it all happens in slow motion, and it all proves futile. The rider sees the crash coming, feels it happening but can’t stop it. The rider is then air born and experiences that trippy slowing of time. I heard once it’s the brain searching for a way out of no way, the means to recover. But then gravity kicks in.
And BOOM.

And the crash remains a vividly imprinted on the brain.

Then all you can do is cry and hopefully walkway with little more than road rash.

A good crash really does make you see stars. There was a time when I went over my handlebars and my head totally smacked a rock. Fortunately I was wearing a helmet or else I would prolly not be writing this now.

But yeah those stars. They rattle the noggin, but they also give certain clarity. After this emotional bell ringing, I really realized how alone I have been the last three years, but how that is also changing.

In, really, the last two or three months, I have been able to find a huge support group emotionally speaking. I actually ran into Nobody on the street last night, and after listening to me pour out my frustrations, they calmed me down by teaching me about artistic perspective and vanishing points.

It was quite amazing.

There is so much more to say, but I have to run. Plus things are still playing out, and I am still processing things. I also have to warm up for my voice lessons and rehearse for acting class later this morning.

But the take away now is, if you are feeling alone, I know what that feels like. Being out in the cold is the worst! If you’re lonely, please reach out cause I want to continue creating community that encourages true, honest, authentic, support.

Even if the Shade is limited to words and emotional support for now, maybe someday we will expand capabilities through radical love and care.

Thank you so much for hearing me out!

Life is ouch.

More to come, promise