Dear Diary, 15, Leaves and Breezes

Dear Diary,

So what's next?

Well, I am writing outside. It is early morning; the sun is just beginning to kiss the Laramie Valley and this rust-colored hummingbird with a most vibrant ruby head just flew by.

Super cool. So glad I am not passed out or curled up–a sad ball of hang-over misery.

Okay, that next is now. So, what is after next.

I can't say—I really, really love that.

I was hanging out with a friend yesterday who asked me where I would be next summer.

I was like, "no idea."

He chuckled and was like, "You are a leaf in the breeze."

I don’t answer, but in my head I am like like “yeah, F*** yeah.” Or maybe I said thanks, I don’t remember.

Either way, being a leaf is quite lovely.

And scary.

I'm nervous most of the time, a big ball of chaos And my core essence is anxiety. But recognizing and embracing my anxiety is an important, necessary for explaining my current joy.

For a long time, I convinced myself that I was this rational, calculating person. I recognized I had anxiety, but I thought I could control it.

Hahaha, yeah, right. The outcome was not good.

Long story short, control meant ignore. So, the anxiety just sat inside until it started red-lining. Then it screamed and drained my battery until imploding by expressing itself in the worst ways. This usually ended with an escape to the bottom of a bottle.

Now, I have the opportunity to work with my anxiety on the daily, and I don’t have to run or escape anymore.

I listen to my anxiety, sit with it, think on it, acknowledge it, give it gratitude and let it know when I feel like it is no longer being helpful.

It is wild magic that I cannot control. But, if we, Aspen and Anxiety, are working together, I conserve the energy I would burn when trying to contain the anxiety. And the power my anxiety would burn by trying to get my attention boosts my focus on the task at hand.

If life were a video game, my anxiety would represent a power-up.

This focused awareness is the basis for my definition of presence.

It is not a perfect system for sure. I learned this May that it becomes much harder to ground myself and find the focus when I get out of my comfort zones, safe spaces, and/or routine.

I if I am a leaf in the breeze the inability to find presence when I’m vulnerability and need it the most is a major issue. Addressing this hang-up is my goal throughout the next five months.

But it does not end there. Building a relationship with my anxiety means continual upkeep. But cultivating this internal relationship makes life way more fun and chill.

Life is trust.

More to come promise