Dear Diary, 21, Blossoming

Dear Diary,

On waking up this morning, I knew exactly where I was.

I knew exactly who I was.

And I felt a warmth of love for that beingness flood through my body.

That feeling is new.

Like new, new.

Like last week new.

For the first time I looked into the mirror without feeling disgust or disappointment.

I have spent so many mornings waking up (in my own bed) with an total absence of knowledge about who I am or where I am feeling total dislocation from the physical and mental faculties.

Some of it was booze, but only a tiny bit.

Feeling lost and confined at the same time.

Disorienting tremors running through my body.

And a hate radiating through my limbs for who I am, who was, who I will be.

When I looked at the mirror, my heart would drop and stomach twist, surges of regret, nausea, disappointment.

Then blaming comes targeting myself for feeling those ways.

NOT ANYMORE.

It is amazing.

I have blossomed into something total new. I see my reflection and feel butterflies and joy and love. It is delight and and more delight.

The why doesn’t matter this morning. This morning my mind rests in a cushion of acceptance and knowledge that I am enough.

It is not perfection.

It is still hard sometimes.

It is ever so worth it.

It is frustrating to know that I have been missing this feeling for my whole life. It is heartbreaking that others are still missing the feeling because they don’t feel like they are good enough.

It is unacceptable. It is something we need to change.

I send all of the good vibes out there hoping my love will reach those who need it the most.

I never would have ever been able to arrive at this point without the people around me being so supportive and mindful and validating.

I would have never reached this point without that support. Sending a huge thank you to those who have trusted in my decision and supported me even if they did not understand.

I wouldn’t be here without that external love.

One does not need to understand to trust and love.

But one does need to show love for the other to feel it.

Life is acceptance.

Life is love.

More to come, promise