Dear Diary, 23: I’m Back

Dear Diary,

I have missed the Shade, but I’m back!!

It's been a chaotic couple of weeks. A lot of good things peppered with some somber moments. The good with the bad, the happy with the sad, I guess that is the spice of life.

Or something dumb like that…You know how I dislike binaries, Diary, so I will change my line of thinking…

It has been a busy period, as I suspect is the case for many people. I took a few days to step back from things and try to get a bit refreshed. I did not do much. On my return, I have been just spinning my wheels.

It has been delightfully frustrating, challenging, and uncomfortable. And that won't change as we move into the fall.

This is a weird time of year for my mental health. I was always so excited for school to start as a kid, yet after the first day, I would experience soul-crushing anxiety. Feeling lost and alone, I feared each day. And I hated myself. Next year, I would say, things would get better.

Things never really got better, though there were some good times.

And after I thought I was done with school, working a dead-end job, driving a broken-down car, and feeling sorry for myself, I continued to hate myself.

I could not escape the past. I regretted all the lost moments full of potential and possibilities I missed because of an anxiety I still did not understand. So I continued to blame myself. That is until I couldn't take it and numbed myself with whisky's warm kiss.

I have spent much time working to understand my anxiety, frustration, and regrets. I know now that there is no going back. It is not about moving forward. It is just about being. Being whatever that means for that day.

And today, it is just about enjoying the moment: the last first day of school that I will probably ever experience. I was awarded a neat award to keep me funded for one more semester while I finish the work I still need to conclude.

I am the most non-traditional student ever and no longer taking classes. With the fellowship, I have the time this fall while I am finishing up my master's thesis to also create: write, draw, act, sing, and just be myself.

It is such a super privilege. You can bet I will do my best not to miss out on a moment, minus the heavy expectation that I need to do anything specific other than show up (and complete the thesis, of course).

Life will be pretty cool.

Thanks for listening!

More to come, promise