Dear Diary 24, Concerns

Dear Diary,

Someone close to me told me that I should be concerned about something important in my life.

My initial reaction was, “I am totally concerned.”

Eventually, the confusion turned to curiosity.

I could not understand why this particular person assumed that I did not feel concerned. They made this assumption without even asking how I felt. It is a stark realization that this person does not know me, and they have not taken the time to get to know me, let alone gain my consent to tell me how I should feel.

I am working hard to not moralize situations. Things happen without meaning. We do not always need to learn a lesson, nor do we need to find a silver lining. It is uncomfortable to embrace this position. It is scary. But it also negates unnecessary guilt, shame, and/or expectation.

And all that said, there are moments we can reflect on and be curious about.

“Am I totally concerned?”

Yes, but not about the thing that this person thought I should be concerned about.

That thing is under control. I am working on a program, keeping up with it, and I have the time and resources to find success. My value has been validated time and time again. And I am finally meeting a process I have been searching for.

Most importantly, I am finding the self-love and confidence to be myself. I am finding my voice.

From another perspective, this important thing I am speaking about pales compared to what makes me feel concerned.

I am concerned about keeping sober.

I am concerned about the invisibility of addiction.

I am concerned about those who suffer from addiction and do not have the material/emotional/institutional support needed to address their addiction.

I am concerned that the institution I am a part of does not fully support the lgbtqia2s+ community.

I am concerned that administrators who profess to support certain beliefs are willing to sacrifice the community to the hate and fear of a vocal minority.

I am concerned about my gender transition and access to long-term healthcare. And I am concerned for others who do not have access to the networks of support I am privileged with.

I am concerned about health care and social justice for women. I am concerned that women do not have complete power and control over their bodies.

I am concerned about health care and social justice for people of color.

I am concerned that the institutions not providing support and healthcare are also concerned with legislating bodies.

I am concerned for climate refugees and refugees displaced by violence and historical legacies of oppression.

I am concerned that oppression is economically driven, and there is no way to know where systemic collaboration and collusion stop and how complicit I am.

I am concerned about the climate and the precarious situation we face as a divided world.

I could go on, but I assume you get the point.

Concern defines my external reality; anxiety drives my internal self.

I have talked before about how I have learned to understand my anxiety and how it is not going away. I have learned to find joy in listening, mindfulness, and learning. I am still looking to find ways to be with energy burned away from worry, doubt, and sobs of overwhelming helplessness.

Dealing with a thing that is not a concern means finding flexibility.

It takes grace. It takes awareness. It takes patience.

It means establishing trust with myself and those around me.

Trust comes from respect.

Respect is built from open-mindedness, creativity, and curiosity.

Curiosity is built from listening.

Trust means believing some things can work out when there is no obvious way out. It is the ability to return to the drawing board. It is the ability to welcome despair and allow it to power focus, not a concern.

And now, I am moralizing, so I will stop.

I hope this made sense, Diary. As always, take what fits, and leave the rest.

Life is listening.

Life is trust.

Life is love.

More to come, promise