Dear Diary, 26: Malaise

Dear Diary,

I started feeling poorly again yesterday.

I was feeling cruddy enough when I tried to work, I was pretty ineffective. So, I ended up taking the afternoon and evening off hoping that it would allow me to get back into things today.

It was definitely a slow start this morning, but I was able to get some writing down this afternoon. And I will do some more tonight. Definitely going to go to bed early tonight so I can get a good jump on tomorrow.

It is such a balance to figure out how to navigate illness and work. There are these deadlines that we set for ourselves and the ones that supervisors and institutions set for us. But sickness does not care about tight timelines and upcoming deadlines.

I do not think I have COVID. And I am unsure if there is something else that I have, or if I just totally ran my body down physically and emotionally the past few months. While I thought I had a good recoup this weekend, it was really frustrating to get knocked back down this week.

But laying there last night drifting in an out of fever dreams—mostly about the history of science which was a weird space to navigate—I was reminded of the things that I really want to prioritize and focus on when I get my health back.

I was also reminded that the clock is ticking.

I guess being reminded that I don’t have a lot of time here is always a good thing. Even if it feels super uncomfortable. And even worse, when the present situation is super oppressive and keeping me from the things that I want to prioritize and put my energy towards.

Because will time run out. Just like that, we never know when it will come.

But until the sands run out, the oppressive situation can feel like drowning. Those are the moments where I know all I can do is keep my head just above the surface and find the energy to not drown.

A lot of it is trust.

Trusting that if we tread water for long enough the currents will eventually take us into land. And then the hope that whatever beach we wash-up on is not barren.

It is why I can’t give up, even when the situation feels hopeless. But it is also why it can be very easy to lose heart.

But something about all of this feels super, super hollow and disingenuous. Something inside needed to express this weird mix feels. Not sure what it is.

Oooffff.

Good old malaise.

Life be weird.

Life is still love at the end of the day.

Thank you for listening.

More to come, promise