Dear Diary, 25: Movement

Dear Diary,

I feel the need to apologize for not writing more. I appreciate the intention, but there is nothing to be sorry for. It is just the passage of time. Things have been wild and, at times, even out of control. I am off doing my thing, and you are off doing—whatever it is diaries do when they are not being awesome friends by listening to random ramblings.

While I want to apologize, I will avoid the outright apology for the following acknowledgement.

I feel guilt about not spending much time in the shade, cause I feel like I am missing out on an opportunity. I want to be writing and sharing my thoughts. Yet, I know the shade is here when I need you. And that feeling of missing out is just an internal expectation I am projecting into the space.

Truth is, I have had my head in outer space and my focus is all over the place. And I have not wanted to bring that energy to this space. So I am content with being away, and now brimming with joy that I have returned.

Last Friday night, I woke up with a really high fever. It spiked to 103 before quickly dropping and disappearing by the following afternoon. I’ve had not other symptoms and have tested negative for COVID.

It may have been the traumatic, emotional week that I had just finished navigating. It may have been my body reacting to a pathogen I was exposed to. Or it may have just been my body telling me to slow down.

Whatever it is, it gave me time to take a breath and refocus.

This morning, I woke up feeling fresh, though a bit tired. And I am taking it slow as can be.

Not lethargic or lazy, just really begin mindful of my surroundings. Appreciating the beauty and allowing my curiosity to flourish.

For example, walking along the sidewalk with the early morning sun sparkling on the concrete.

On one hand, it is so beautiful. On the other, I wonder what is making the sparkle. Then my mind wonders to the extractive process of making concrete. Then I think about the heat building up, and how as the waves of heat radiate off the surface it will interact with something in the atmosphere creating more chaos. The chaos will end up harming and impacting non-human friends and human friends in different places and in different ways.

But, despite these giant systems that simultaneously move right before our eyes while being beyond our comprehension, right now, the weather is quite gorgeous. And the early morning sun makes me feel so alive and well.

Its trippy to experience a world that is nice, terrible, beautiful, and violent.

And I don’t know how to feel about it, or maybe it is better to say I have all the feels about it.

But…

I know I love myself.

And I am proud to be who I am.

I am so happy to be able to support my friends as they support me. And spread my love to them.

I’ve landed in a place where I believe loving more is the key. I don’t even know what this looks like or means. But that doesn’t matter, that is not the point.

Trust to love.

Love to trust.

…

Since that little walk,I have been super productive, but I have not experienced that nervous twitch of being rushed or feeling behind.

I am here.

Exactly where I am supposed to be.

It is pretty dang cool.

Thanks for listening. It is good to be back in the grove’s shade. Even if it was just for today. Who knows.

But I believe there is more to come.

I believe this enough to say something like:

More to come, promise