Dear Diary, Day 8, Versatility of Roots

Dear Diary,

There is so much to say. But I don't think this is the time to say much.

I am not at a loss for words. Moments like this are life-changing. They are responsible for bringing devastation, disorientation, sadness, and hurt. Yet, I propose these moments are also moments for reflection, not just (re)action.

And I think that is the purpose for why Aspen's Grove and the Shade are here, and are here now, in this moment. Not some divine power or anything, but just a coincidence. And I have been experiencing those a lot lately #Rabbits for those of you who listen to that podcast. lol

But really, it is a safe space to cool out, to find a moment of breath. I have no idea what happens next, but for now, I offer an invitation to sit, lament, and stay with the trouble.

What I write next may be wrong; I am not sure.

I don't think the Shade is here to douse the rage or resist the anxiety. Repressing anger does nothing but create hate. Anger can be so much more than inciting hatred, malice, and destruction. When rooted in love and forgiveness, anger generates focus, determination, and resolution.

The Shade offers mindful relief. The cool of the Shade allows for the exploration of feelings and hurts. It is a process of slowing-down, not surrendering. The Shade relies on naive hope—hope in the unknown, hope rooted in unimagined possibly.

My past is a haze—rage and alcoholism, hate and loathing, helpless confusion. But I got out of that reality with a lot of hard work and brutal truth. That doesn't mean I am safe from relapse or losing what I have accomplished. That kind of regression is a fear I live with every day.

For me, the Shade is a place of shelter from my fears because it allows me to get to know my fears and why they are here. They are trying to help, Diary.

It is my hope that the Shade translates into a similar refuge for others.

Life is a windy road. There is always another bend ahead and a root to stumble on. We cannot give up, but we cannot lose our humanity when that is what we are fighting for. That is why we need pause, to take stock, to find grounding in the same root that tripped us up.

So please stay, maybe enjoy the gallery, or just take time to feel out what you need. Right now, in this moment.

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Breathe….

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Or, if that doesn’t feel right (totes valid), here is a quick little something I’ve been working on all day...

Heartbroken.

The nightmare crushes, hates.

Breathless, lost in the nightmare's searing light, I cling to love and to joy,

Love and joy I've only just met, only just accepted.

Cherishing the love and the joy by learning how to love back with joy.

Heartbroken.

Shock belays sharp pain.

Yet, the numbness fades, I despair-searching for breath in the liminal space of (un)consciousness.

Despair clings, I sling the love and the joy out as far as I can.

It's not much, but it's all I have.

Maybe it is enough.

I don't know.

I trust it is.

Life is trust…

More to come, promise.