Dear Diary, Day 7, Some News

Dear Diary,

The days are slipping by so fast, and there is so much I want to tell you, Diary. But we can start at square one, and I know I owe you some good news from my Day 6 promise.

I have loads of good news, some of it scary, too. 

Scary in the best of ways.

One little tidbit: I will begin the process to be legally recognized as Aspen! In the shade of the Grove, it is already official. But unfortunately, that is not how passports and bank accounts work.

I was introduced to someone yesterday who commented how Aspen is a pretty name. This isn't the first time I have been told! But I realized I always wonder if people say that because they can tell I'm trans and are looking to support me. Or if they just think it is a dope name. I believe it is the latter because it is a dope name. But, of course, the reason doesn't matter; I always feel wonderful when people give the compliment. I never got that with my old name.

Actually, I f****** beam when I hear Aspen is pretty a name. And it has been amazing how much support and love I have received, virtually and in person. It means so so so much to share my joy and exploration with all the fantastic folk. I am surrounded by an extremely healthy emotional ecosystem where joy and love create uplift and support.

I really do wish everyone could experience the joy I am feeling now. It is something incredible. And I had never really experienced this type of emotional ecosystem before and, therefore, never knew what I was missing. Though I knew there was always something more. And even when there were glimpses, I did not have the ability or energy to really fit in.

So I have to ask, why do I have doubts about compliments? When I sit for a moment with my suspicion concerning the motivation behind a wonderful, sincere compliment like "that is a beautiful name," I can't say I have a clear answer about why I have these feels. The quickest reaction I hear from my internal system is, "welcome to the life of living with dysphoria." After struggling with identity for so long, it is easy to spiral back to feeling a lack of confidence and navigating the world guarded and defensive.

And I do want to protect the name. The power a name possesses means it should be coveted. Letting Aspen out ('cause she was always deep inside) has been so magical, and I don't want to lose her grace. Telling people my name and compelling toxic institutions to recognize my new identity makes me and Aspen the most vulnerable we’ve been up ‘till now.

But I am ready to take the leap!! Even though it is scary! Not all things that are scary are bad. In fact, sometime that feeling is the best part of life. But only when the stakes are low, like below a five or six. Maybe seven. I dunno, that sounds extreme. (FYI, you can refer back to entry five: Puppy Chow for a refresher detailing my definition of stakes/levels of stakes)

Getting in touch and continuing to learn more about the anxious chaotic energy Aspen provides is such a delight; a scary delight! And learning to become a new me has provided me with more purpose than anything else ever has. Recognizing Aspen internally has totally created a foundation for me to find beingness and this presence. Aspen is my life, the reason I stay sober, and keep on with the grind. The visibility is so important to this process but so tricky to navigate. But more on that later, hehe.

Names are sacred and powerful elements in our world. My whole thesis is really boiled down to how naming and classifying plants re-defines landscape and can be considered an act of violence. This is true even if the intention was not to cause harm. 

And look at that, I finally spoiled a detail about my thesis! And that, Diary, is what we call a teaser.  

Thanks for listening! Life is pretty magical!

More to come if the stars are aligned