Minor Muses, Week One (April 15 - April 20)

Thursday, April 20

11:35 p.m.

It’s all pretty cool.

11:29 p.m.

Though, there remains a special place for the calm of darkness. The comfort in the shadow. The rest of the shade. The immutability and peace found the nocturne.

11:28 p.m.

There is some disbelief. But for the first time I am not fighting the warmth and light in my heart.

11:26 p.m.

Not sure how I got this lucky.

11:25 p.m.

It was the most wonderful day! I met with my advisor, I picked my thesis writing back up, I went to a real cool defense, and I practiced yoga with some pretty cool people.

12:22 p.m.

I’m not going through an existential crisis at all. It is perfect. No panic attacks here.

12:21 p.m.

…I totally love all of this — I am choosing to do this for my life because I am awesome, and I totally love all of this…

12:20 p.m.

Restarted Word. I am back in. But what a foreboding start….

12:19 p.m.

Well, Word says I don’t have access to my old drafts.

12:18 p.m.

Starting my first writing session to revise my thesis draft. It’s prolly going to be unproductive as I get back into shape.

11:11 a.m.

Uggghhhhh. Perfection. I still have things to resolve with her.

11:09 a.m.

Omg, I absolutely hate my voice, sometimes.

8:08 a.m.

Life is too short without glitter.

8:05 a.m.

I am feeling super cute today!!

Wednesday, April 19

4:08 p.m.

I am still processing the motion and the emotion.

4:07 p.m.

So I am feeling the feels, being present. It is a moment where everything happens. And nothing happens.

4:06 p.m.

And I am trying to avoid narrating my feelings as a way to avoid feeling the feels.

4:05 p.m.

And I am just trying to avoid imagining what it looks like.

4:05 p.m.

Nothing too scandalous. But if there is anything scandalous, it will be the best kind and I will totally share. But for reals, I just am unsure about how to describe the moment. And I am just trying to avoid imagining what it looks like. And I am

4:04 p.m.

I mean, it already is dreamy. But this will be a special evening. I might share details later. But for now, secrets.

4:03 p.m.

Some exciting stuff will happen tonight, too. It is going to be dreamy, I think.

4:01 p.m.

I appreciate rest days from yoga and workouts. But a busy day. Two kinds of therapy and a lunch. At the lunch, I met some new folks and reconnected with some old.

8:13 a.m.

Hopefully, I get the first episode of Scars posted tonight!!

8:11 a.m.

Now I am breaking fast with a spinach omelet and cup of coffee. It is a rest day from yoga. And I am going to focus on my creative writing today amongst a very busy day of therapy, voice affirmation therapy, and celebrating some very special individuals throughout the day.

6:54 a.m.

Sleep finally drifted back over my mind and body. And I slept in!

2:32 a.m.

F*#@.

1:51 a.m.

Okay leaning into the sensation. Now hoping sleep comes.

1:48 a.m.

As if I did not already feel enough like a teenager already. But as I breathe into my legs, focusing on the sensation, I realize there is no real pain. It is this joyful radiance, proof that I am nourishing my body and it is responding to my hard work.

1:46 a.m.

OMG, I am experiencing growing pains!! Literal growing pains!!

1:41 a.m.

Stretching does not seem to help alleviate the tingle. What is it.

1:35 a.m.

Not that I mind getting ripped from dreamland. I was having a weird dream about people in my past. But I was me now. Oh brain, what are you doing to me?

1:33 a.m.

I woke up to these strange bodily sensations in my hips and thighs. It is not cramps or aches. It is this warm feeling accompanied by a strange tickle or maybe an itchy? It doesn’t hurt, but it is startling enough to pull me from dreamland.

Tuesday, April 18

8:23 p.m.

Those sunny, nice days make me feel the most alienated from my loneliness. But when it is gloomy and mellow, my loneliness feels a bit more comfortable. I can understand it. Embrace it. Love it. Curl into it, and go to sleep in peace.

8:19 p.m.

I love the valley’s atmosphere right now. It totally matches my own emotional atmosphere. Not to say that the beautiful, sunny days when the high pressure pushes the clouds away are not great. But those days are uncanny.

8:17 p.m.

I’m totally getting gothic feels.

8:15 p.m.

The last of the bight sunset is pale and golden. The waning twilight behind the still bare tree is such a mellow gloomy. A good time to be a bit melancholy. A bit contemplative.

7:46 p.m.

Took an evening walk. The valley is draped in clouds. It is very gloomy.

7:19 p.m.

My body needs the rest.

7:15 p.m.

Finished my last yoga practice of the day. Rest tomorrow and will pick up Thursday night.

4:51 p.m.

Went shopping and found nothing. Nice on the pocketbook, but a bummer to the part in myself that craved getting my first flowy sundress.

11:46 a.m.

Life be hard.

11:45 a.m

Then I see a parking meter and my heart sinks.

11:43 a.m.

I have so much hope for the world. For our lives, and our communities.

8:23 a.m.

See Liz. These words can go together.

8:22 a.m.

I'm living strangely buckwild in delight.

Monday, April 17

12:24 p.m.

Just had an awesome hair appointment at Blooming Lemon in Laramie. Sometimes it just feels good to treat yourself.

7:47 a.m.

The Mighty Might Bosstones totally have a song titled Seven Thirty Seven

7:45 a.m.

I think the Mighty Mighty Bosstones had a song titled Seven Thirty Seven

7:44 a.m.

The haunting is totally Gothic.

7:42 a.m.

Even sober, the guilt and shame never quite goes away. The feels haunts.

7:40 a.m.

At least I don’t have to carry shame and guilt created from drinking anymore.

7:37 a.m.

Moments of disconnect still creates depression to cloud my thoughts. In the past, I drank to escape the vibrant contrast between acceptance and alienation. Then, drinking created more shame and guilt.

7:31 a.m.

I feel so spoiled with the joy and love that I feel within a growing community of people from all walks of life. It is quite a gift.

Sunday, April 16

1:04 p.m.

Stars are not objects.

1:03 p.m.

I am running under the assumption stars are gender non-conforming. What happens to our relations with all things solar when we mindfully refrain ourselves from calling the sun “it?”

12:59 p.m.

In Western intellectual, religious, and philosophic tradition gender and the cosmos are very much entwined. Yuck…

12:55 p.m.

Took a walk: the sun sent a confusing a message. Her life is so precious in relation to our lives, but their waves burn so easily.

10:23 a.m.

Am I living my best life?

10:16 a.m.

For weeks, maybe months, I find myself pulled in so many directions. I am living my best life with a heart full of sorrow and grief.

8:36 a.m.

The coffee is good.

8:30 a.m.

The steam rises from the kettle as I grind the beans. Tears roll down my cheeks.

Saturday, April 15

6:32 p.m.

Panic, sorrow, fear, anxiety rocks the boat.

6:28 p.m.

Soften the gaze, release the jaw. Shake out the tension in my shoulders. Breath steady. Observe the feeling. Feel the feels.

3:12 p.m.

Panic surges. I ride each wave with breath and observation.

2:15 p.m.

I wonder, how many doors I just shut?